AFCB special columnist J’ammanuel Egnoue brings takes us behind the scenes of Arsenal v Blackpool…
Greetings and salutations!
It has been an interesting week in the world of Egnoue.
You may have noticed that I didn’t get on the field during Arsenal’s 6-0 steamrolling of Blackpool on the weekend. Thank God for that!
As I said in my last column, in addition to being a professional footballer, I’m also a professional actor, having starred in movies like Gladiator and Blood Diamond. I was even in Beverley Hills 90210!!
Anyway, I’ve been bogged down in practicing my acting which has limited my match fitness. You see, I won a role in the new upcoming blockbuster based upon the events surrounding the French national football team during the recent World Cup.
It is called “Le Sulk” and I’m playing the part of Patrice Evra with the part of Nicolas Anelka being taken by Jack Nicolson. Raymond Domenech is being played Joe Pesci. You know that annoying guy from Lethal Weapon? Yeah him! Joe Hart even makes a cameo as Shay Given! I’m very excited!!
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
Football can never compare to the pressure of acting, but what Theo has experienced over the last few seasons comes close. Criticised from all sides, even when he plays well, it must be tough to be an Englishman playing in an English league. Paul Scoles scores a goal for United and the media wets their pants, wondering those ‘what if he still played for England questions’ that the English media loves so much. Theo scores three in one match and there are grumbles of ‘it’s about time!’ Give the lad a break!
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day continues to bleat like a Kenyan mountain goat about Theo’s “decision making” as if every other player in the league never makes a bad decision.
At half time between Arsenal and Blackpool, I said to Theo “If you can get a hat trick, I’ll kick Alan Hansen in the nuts.” Obviously, when this actually happened, Theo was so elated he couldn’t help by running to the sideline to give me a hug.
So watch out for your groin, Hansen, I’m coming for you!
Our next match is against Blackburn Rovers, a team run by intergalactic smuggler and occasional manager, Sam “Jabba the Hut” Allardyce. This guy is not my friend, he is my mortal enemy. Their usual tactic is to come out and try maiming as many Arsenal players as possible. They even signed some guy called “Mame” on loan. Typical.
The boss wants us to continue our fairly good start to the season by not giving in to Blackburn’s strong arm tactics. Blackburn are quite good at home, so we must be decisive in the final third. We’re training hard for this one, and I have been working overtime on my chicken-dance goal celebration. It is vital I get that right!
All right, it’s time for my pedicure, I better get off the laptop!
Have your say on J’ammanuel’s column by leaving a comment.