AFCB special columnist J’ammanuel Egnoue brings us the first edition of his new weekly column…
Greetings and salutations!
I’m a world-famous celebrity actor J’ammanuel Egnoue. When not acting, I’m playing professional football for Arsenal FC.
Sometimes I even practice my acting while playing football.
You see when Stevie G tackled me on the weekend? I went over like an extra in the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.
Pretty convincing, huh?
For your benefit, I will be writing for AFCB this season, giving you a players insight into what it is like to play for Arsenal FC.
Today I will speak about our match with those sneaky cretins to the north, Liverpool.
Before the game, The Gaffer gathered us in the changing rooms and asked us to activate The Schlieffen Plan.
This is the boss-man’s way of saying to lay siege to the Liverpool defence and dictate play by maintaining 100% possession without threatening the opposition’s goal in any way or form until the last minute of the game, in which we blitz the opposition.
It is also a handy blue print should one ever need to attack France via invading neutral Belgium.
Critics might suggest that we struggled to break down the resolute defending of Liverpool.
On the contrary, we followed the game plan to 100% accuracy, even allowing the opposition a few choice chances at goal just so we could make the game a bit more interesting.
You see that goal by David “Egg Nog” Ngog? Yeah, that was totally planned.
During half time, I wrote this haiku on the back of my large payslip paying tribute to the man who was sent off for Liverpool, Joe Cole.
I am going to share it with you.
Joe Cole is English
A good friend of John Terry
Watch out for your wives
Our second half progressed nicely.
The Schlieffen Plan was working well and Diaby was giving the ball up at every opportunity.
The boss began to realise that I was providing too much of attacking threat for Arsenal and took me off for the much more defensive Theo Walcott.
Sorry boss! I tried my hardest not to play well!
As the clock ticked into the 90th minutes, Wenger did his Y-M-C-A dance on the touchline, signalling it was time for us to score a goal.
Rosicky whipped in a cross from the left and new boy Chamakh pressured Pepe the Clown into throwing the ball into his own net. What a goose!
At the end of the day, we got the point we hoped for.
While all signs point to challenging for the title, The Gaffer has a very specific objective to achieve this season: to make it through an entire season without one of players getting a broken leg.
I note that the previous generation of Arsenal players were known as ‘The Invincibles’, a label that is somewhat ironic now considering how Ramsey the Robot and the faithfully departed Eduardo the Eagle got their legs broken like a scotch finger biscuits.
Our players often seem like Samuel L. Jackson in that movie ‘Unbreakable’. You know, always breaking bones and stuff.
We really should employ those scientists from Star Wars who give Luke a new forearm in Return of the Jedi.
On a side note, I’m not sure what ‘Gaffer’ means exactly. In my hometown, it means ‘head of the electrical department’.
It must mean something different here in England, because I haven’t seen Arsene taking a break from training to fix up faulty wiring at the Emirates.
Come to think of it, he never seems to take a break.
That reminds me: it’s time for my sauna!
Have your say on the very first ‘Behind The Scenes with J’ammanuel Egnoue’ by leaving a comment.